“Change is inevitable: change is constant.”
– Benjamin Disraeli
It has been a few weeks since I have written anything new or updated my blog, and I wish I had some profound reason for not doing so. I wish I could say I was halfway around the world on vacation in France. Or that I was doing something selfless like trying to solve world hunger, but the truth is that I have been caught up in the whirlwind of change. I remember this infomercial (from the 90s) with Ron Popeil selling a rotisserie oven. Throughout the infomercial, he used the tag line “Set it and forget it.” Sometimes I wish my life could be that way! I could figure out how to do everything right then set it, forget it and have life on autopilot. Yes, I know this sounds lazy but sometimes life can be too much! I hate change!! I hate the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty that come along with it. It feels like the year of my life has been filled with change.
It feels like it has been one change after another with no time to stop, reflect and plan. In the last two months, I have had to face some major changes in my life. I have had to face the end of my relationship and separate from my partner of Seven years. I have had to leave my home for the last four years and move into my own apartment (my first time living on my own). I have also had to deal with the deterioration and end of friendships with those I would have called my family. This may all seem trivial to most but this has been difficult in ways I never imagined.
The truth is that I am used to long-term situations. I thought I had my life figured out when I moved to the U.S. four years ago. I was excited about that change! I would get the chance to build a life with my partner. We would get a house, a car and get married, but none of that happened. I am now faced with starting over from the beginning on my own. When I dreamed about my future I always saw his face, but now when I dream he’s not there.
I was surprised to hear coworkers talk about moving to a new apartment almost every year when I started my first job in the US. It seemed like this was the norm to apartment hop around town. This boggled my mind because I lived in one house since birth back in St. Kitts. I was born in that house, I grew up in that house and I lived in that house on lover’s lane for 30 years. I spent the last four years in the US in one apartment, so the thought of packing up my life again (so soon after leaving St. Kitts) was not easy to stomach. I thought I would have my partner with me on this journey. My life has been filled with fear, heightened anxiety and restless nights trying to cope with the changing landscape. At points, I felt like I would go insane! There were the moments at work where I would have emotional break downs in my cubicle. I knew I had to work even harder at sustaining my mental wellness during this time of change.
Coping with Change
I started meditating early in the morning when I couldn’t sleep. It seems like my mind would run nonstop especially at nights. I would cycle through every possible scenario of what these changes would bring. Meditation helped me to quiet my mind even if for a few minutes. I found that short guided meditations worked best for my situations. I also decided to work harder on my diet and eat better, I wanted to feel my best as a way to lessen boost my mental state. I made a conscious effort to eat healthy more days than not. Making sure my water intake was high was another goal to help my physical state. Usually, I drink one gallon of water but I increased that to two gallons on some days. Lifting weights have always been a hobby of mine, but I was neglecting cardio. I added cardio back into my routine for three sessions a week and I immediately noticed a difference in my mood. I had more “happy” energy to get through the day. I also found comfort in those relationships that were genuine and without judgment.
It has now been two weeks since I have separated from my partner and I moved into my own apartment. Those final days of living together left me tired, not just physically tired but emotionally drained and mentally exhausted. I am still scared of what change may come next, but I have to remind myself to look at as a journey and an adventure. This is a new chapter of my life and a blank canvas. It’s now time to create an amazing story.